Holy shit, I haven’t made a post in… I’m not even sure how long. I know this post will at least please Serena and Erin, for they will now have a new story of sorts to read… at least until I get tired of keeping this up again. (so, no promises that this will be a permanent thing :p)
Summer will officially be over on Monday… total suck. Every year when we get to this point it hits me and I say the same thing, “damn, that went by way too fast.” Maybe one of these years I’ll actually make my summer worthwhile and give it some meaning instead of pulling my weight and working myself to death. Or, maybe not. (I do love making money…) Normally I’m kind of excited for school to be starting and for work to be slowing down, but I can’t really say the same this year. I know that with school and work it’ll be harder to see Craig and that will not help my never ending stress level. He’s very helpful when I get sick of my family (daily) or friends (hourly) and never judges me… he’s always there to listen to me rant and rave and vent to him about how irritated I am, or how much I can’t take it anymore and he never gets tired of it. Sometimes I feel like I take him for granted, and that is never something that I ever want to do. /mush. This semester I’ll be running myself down with Bio, Biolab, Psych, and Math. I’m glad that nothing has changed since 5th grade and that I still suck at math. Awesome.
This summer year has been… an adjustment for me. For the first time I’ve been more concerned about working, making money, growing up, and taking care of someone else more than anything else in my life. In late January I started shying away from my friends and groups and beginning to take my personal life more seriously. This had some negative effects on my relationships (of course), but at the time… I can’t say I really cared. I was more focused on being my own person and getting things done. As the year progressed, things didn’t really change. When I met Craig (again) something about it felt right and I knew this was a relationship that I wanted to work hard on and make sure that I did my share. My social appearances became even less frequent and any spare time that I had between school and work became devoted to Craig. I can’t really say that I’ve ever been happier either. Honestly, I do miss my friends… only a select few though. Now that I’ve been removed from some of them, I’ve gained a new perspective. When I look at some of the groups I was associated with, I can’t help but think to myself, “…really?” Disregarding the amount of drama that went on in any given week, just the behavior and repetitive actions is enough to make me feel bad for spending so many of my years that way. I’m not saying that all of my friends are bad people, hardly any of them are. They just seem to be stuck in bad patterns and… ruts, and they don’t really seem like they want to move forward. Looking back, I can say that I was there too… before this year, I was content doing the same things day in and day out, hanging out with the same people and never really looking ahead. Now, I look at things a little differently. I’m excited to move out and get my own place, get a new job and start my own life.
Since my Grandmother’s surgery, I’ve gained some perspective on some other things as well… once she finally came home from the hospital / rehab, I gave her my room since it’s closest to the bathroom and everything she needs would be on the same floor as she was. (hip surgery = no steps) This meant I had two choices: 1. Sleep upstairs in her room, in mid-August, with no air conditioning or 2. Sleep at Norman’s. That was an easy choice. At first I was excited to do this, normally I’m not one for sleeping outside of my own bed, but over the past few months I’ve gotten used to spending the weekends at his house, so I thought, “no big deal.” Well, this in itself was an adjustment. Since he works overnights, this meant sleeping alone, in an unfamiliar room, in a dark basement. (It was at this point that I started re-considering sleeping in the sauna back home) But, after the first night it wasn’t so bad, and the rest of the week was pretty nice. We both have weekends off, so there were two days that I wasn’t alone which were particularly comforting. (Erin, I now understand why you prefer sleeping next to / with someone.) Before this relationship, I was never a fan of sleeping with someone… I’m a “this is my bed go find your own space” type of person, but now it’s hard for either of us to sleep apart. There’s just something… comforting about knowing someone is there with you, keeping you warm and safe. /mush
Aside from the independence that I’ve begun to get accustomed to this year, I’ve also let myself get a little dependant. This scares me because I always fear the sudden change where I’m finally comfortable and then I’m stuck out on my own and completely shaken up (common enough?). I always told myself that I would never let myself get fully dependant on someone else, and I know that I never will. However, I have gotten more comfortable in this relationship than I’ve ever been with anyone else—friend, family, or significant other. This scares the hell out of me (as it should) because no matter how much you trust somebody else, you can never truly know what will or will not happen. There will always be circumstances outside of your control, and it’s just something that you will have to accept and get over in life. I guess because of the relationships that I’ve had in the past, I’ve put up a barrier in my relationships since then in an effort to try and keep from getting hurt again… sounds like the plot of every dramatic romantic movie, I know. But, I guess I’ve made it past that barrier because I finally feel like I can be completely free with Craig and I never worry about saying the wrong thing or having to edit what I’m feeling before I say it. It’s a wonderful feeling. I really and truly hope that every one of my close friends is able to experience this feeling and have a relationship like this in their lifetime. If you were to ask me, I’d say that teamwork is the key to a successful relationship. Teamwork and faith.
I can’t believe that it’s already August and that 2010 is more than halfway over. All of my ’07 friends are 21 (except me) and in November the cycle starts over with 22. I can’t say that I’m particularly excited to turn 21, I’ve never really looked forward to it like everyone else has. Yeah, I can go out and drink at bars (even though I hate being in bars and just the bar atmosphere in general) and go downtown to get in clubs… oh, and buy my own alcohol, but… so what? I’ve been doing that stuff since I was what…16? (so has everyone else) after 5 years of doing it when we weren’t supposed to, being able to do it legally just isn’t as appealing. Turning 21 means you lose the thrill and excitement of breaking the rules… plus, you’re getting old. Blah. Maybe I’m just a pessimist, oh well. I can say that I am thoroughly and utterly excited that I turn 21 on a Friday and Halloween ’10 is on that Sunday. THAT is what I am looking forward to.
I guess the last thing to say is that I’m a little upset with where I am in life. Right now I should be entering my senior year of college, playing collegiate level sports and on my way to getting a degree and entering the real world… an experience that I doubt I’ll ever have considering the job market for people with degrees blows, retail is one of the only places where you’re almost guaranteed to be employed (as long as you have a pulse), and the face that it’s been two years (going on three in May) and I still haven’t had my knee fixed. Yep, the future’s lookin’ bright.
Oh well, this venting sesh was pretty helpful and I hope it’s good reading for anyone who stumbles upon it. I can’t say when the next update will be, but I’m going to try and do this thing that I stole from Serena.
