misledmisfit

…I know what they want, and I know they don’t want me to stay.” (Manchester Orchestra - I’ve Got Friends)

I always get anxious and restless on the days when everything seems to be in place… with experience comes the knowledge that this serenity won’t hang around for long. I really want to crank out an entry, it’s been so long since I’ve written, but I don’t have anything sitting in my head right now…

Romantics are something I feel I should push aside for now… though I’m still unsure. I have a lot on my plate right now between work and school which leaves me exhausted and feeling like I don’t have the time to give to another person. But, as typical of me, I’m tired of being lonely and not having someone that close to me. As I feel I always will, (or at least, will for some time) I still have very strong feelings in regards to two people, and it’s just about driving me insane. Logically I don’t want to have these feelings, I know all the complications they’ll bring about, and I know that I’m not interested in going down that path… but, of course, I can’t help how I feel, and I just can’t shake them. As always, I’ll just have to give it time, and hope its something that will fade.

Work is the bane of my existence… and I say that whole-heartedly. I really dislike waking up every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday knowing that in less than 30 minutes I’ll be stuck somewhere that eats away at me every minute of the day. Jonti gave some good resolutions to some of my problems there, but honestly, I’m not sure if solving those issues would help me any… seeing as though everyday something new crops up. I am already starting “the hunt” for another place of employment… maybe I’ll get lucky and find somewhere 300x less stressful. Let’s hope so.

I’ve been seeing less of Erin than I would like, mostly due to her new work schedule and my hectic work / school schedule. This bothers me because conversations with her are always helpful for me, and I always end up feeling better after them. I wish we lived closer and we could hang out more frequently, but it is how it is. Also, due to exhaustion, my stays on the internet have been much shorter and much less frequent, which also impacts my communication with people.

In contrast, I’ve been seeing more of Lauren and Sarah than I had previously. Lauren and I get together every Monday and watch DWTS and then again on Thursday to watch The Real Housewives of OC. The shows are enjoyable, but its really just nice to have someone to hang out with on a regular basis and have some kind of re-occurring weekly thing.

November is halfway over and I’m not impressed with it at all. I know I’m going to hate December, I always do… I guess the one good thing to look forward to in December is going back to Verizon and getting a new phone.

Ciao.

I should be doing my homework… I should always be doing my homework when I’m not. Procrastination is something I seriously need to overcome. I was supposed to turn in an essay over a week ago, and still haven’t. For some reason my teacher is still allowing me to turn it in, yet I can’t seem to get motivated enough to do it. Additionally, there is a pending Sociology assignment due tomorrow (was given out last Monday) which I still haven’t touched either… rawr.

It’s that time of year again… the strep has made it’s presence known. I’m really hoping I can get Amoxicillin tomorrow and be rid of this nastiness in a week. However, getting Amox means that I won’t be able to fully enjoy Sonin’s Halloween party. It’s whatever, there will always be next time. For now, I almost cried this morning during breakfast… Amox has priority.

New Rammstein album is ♥. I’m letting it play all the way through and there is only one song that I’m not crazy about. I’m glad that they can maintain themselves after so many albums and not let us down.

As always, boys are a grey area for me. I’m still not sure of what I want, nor am I sure if what I have is what I want. These days I’m growing ever more confused in this department and am finding it harder and harder to find the answers that I seek. Maybe one day soon there will be a point of clarity and I’ll be able to find a path…

No Halloween haunted house this year in Ellicott City… pretty bummed about that, but, glad I don’t have to stand out in the cold for hours either, ha. I wish everyone a very happy (and somewhat safe) Halloween!

I’ve been sick off and on for two weeks, it’s starting to get pretty irritating. I wish it would go away, and I could enjoy the cold weather without dying.

BRU has been going very well, I’ve got the routine down and know how to solve almost all of the issues that arise daily. I’m comfortable with my work, and my co-workers are all very enjoyable to be around. I’m thankful to have a job where I get along so well with everyone.

Laura and I went to visit Michaels yesterday, sadly not one member of the original crew remains. Wait, that’s not sad… I’m happy everyone made it out alive (= I do miss it sometimes, though… but I know I wouldn’t miss it very much if I actually started working there again, heh.

I’ve recently started talking to Gavin a lot more, and I am happy with where that is going. I feel like we’re slowly moving towards dating, and so that’s something to look forward to.

I finally qualify for surgery on Oct. 5th, and once I get the letter in the mail, I’m probably gonna make an appointment with a surgeon to talk about having surgery in late November. I cannot express how happy, and relieved, I am to finally be getting this moving.

Jessi and Aaron are going to Myrtle beach from Saturday to Saturday which means I get the house, the pup, the cats & Jessi’s car. I’m super excited and glad I’m gonna have a 5spd and a doggie for a whole week. (=

So, there’s my current life… I’ll pick up later when things get more interesting.

Ciao

peirceizzle:

1. Titanic
2. Rocky (any)
3. Scarface
4. The Godfather (any)
5. Return of the Jedi
6. Casablanca
7. Fargo
8. Independence Day
9. Any Batman movie other than The Dark Knight
10. Edward Scissorhands

You not having seen Fargo is just a crime against humanity. Luckily, I own it… so we can easily rectify this situation.

Things have made such a drastic, yet positive, turn as of recently, and I only see it getting better.

As of now I currently have a job at Babies R Us. Now, I know… isn’t the greatest job in the world, but it’s money. It will hold me over until I can find something more permanent and it will also help me get my new laptop.

Today was my first day at BRUS and during a management meeting I got called by three other places I had applied to about a month ago, all wanting me to come in and interview. I’m a little excited because all three of these places pay a lot more than what I would be making at BRUS, but they’re also a bit more of a commute. Hopefully, if they’re willing to work around my school schedule, we can work something out, maybe I’ll be able to have two PT jobs, which would be great. The people at BRUS are very fun to be with during shifts, and I can tell it will be like Michael’s in the regard that employees won’t be fighting about everything and that a 12hour shift won’t leave me wanting to kill everyone when I punch out. This, I’m looking forward to. I need to buy khaki’s and black dickies regardless of where I end up working because I was brought to the realization today that I don’t have any retail-appropriate pants since jeans were acceptable at Michaels.

School starts Monday, another “beginning” that I’m looking forward to. I’m excited to be back in a routine— Monday/Wednesday/Friday: Work, School, Work; Tuesday/ Thursday/ Saturday/Sunday: Work, Homework, Assignments. I’ve missed the routines and structure, and I’m just glad that they’re back in swing.

I’ve started inking out the things I’ve been needing to get, but haven’t had the means to, and as the paychecks start coming back I’m going to be knocking things off the list asap. A short preview, and mini-reminder for myself:

* Laptop
* Contacts
* TB External HD
* Save up some spare money for surgery
* New glasses

There are more things of course, but these are the things I need. Each of those items above are things that I have / had and that are in serious need of replacement or repair because they’re items that I use daily for school, work, and basically just everyday living.

Here’s to a new job, new semester, and a new outlook on 2009.

Maybe I’ll start a new pattern… updates every nine days? (Probably not, I think this is just a coincidence.)

So far this week there hasn’t been any drama… I guess I should say “since the last major event” there hasn’t been any. I’ve also only left the house like… three times since then, though. I’m hoping to drastically reduce the amount of events I attend / outings I make during the fall semester, however doubted my resolve is by my peers. I’m already much further behind in school than I would like to be, and I’m guessing surgery won’t really help that fact. Therefore, I’m basically shooting for: if I run into someone at school, sure I’ll stop and chat, possibly grab lunch or hang during break, but I don’t really see myself going out of my way between September and November to go out and see people regularly / constantly. I’m sure there will be people who take personal offense to this, and who decide that I’m intentionally “ignoring” them… there are three people that immediately come to mind. But, I don’t have time to console them and reassure them that my actions don’t directly involve them, or that I don’t have some sort of vendetta against them. If they feel that every action and decision made revolves around them, then that is a fault of their own which I don’t really care to worry over.

These days, it is what it is. I’ve lost a good number of people over stupid reasons and faults of their own, decisions they’ve made, and haven’t made, development of petty attitudes and constant rudeness and arguing over non-important issues, and overall neglect towards my efforts and outreachings to continue the friendship / bond. As part of my evolution, I’ve realized it is simply not worth the time. Of course the times shared together will be remembered, and their company missed, however in order to keep the friendship going, there needs to be efforts made from both parties. There’s really no use in one person pushing and trying and making the other person a priority, when nothing of the kind is returned. So, it’s a new semester, with new goals and new people. I’m ready, and excited, to see how it plays out.

Wow. August is only… nine days old, and already there have been so many happenings, arguments, and overall negative experiences that all I can say is, “wow.”

July ended well… on the 24th Chelsea FC played AC Milan downtown at the Raven’s stadium and I had the opportunity to go with Connor’s family and Connor’s friend DJ from Drexel. [= It was awesome. Ballack didn’t play due to injury, but, Chelsea still won so it was all good. Trying to leave the stadium was a nightmare, as usual, so we just hopped a curb and took a shortcut (illegal as it might have been) out of the lot. It mainly just put us in more traffic, but at least it was traffic outside the lot instead of inside.

Last weekend Mason decided to have a pool shindig and have a few people over. His dad specifically asked that it be kept small, and under normal circumstances, that wouldn’t have been an issue… About… 30 minutes into it, we’re all sitting around the table talking, eating, having a good time when Mitch texts me. He asked if Kyle, Josh, Katherine, and himself were allowed over… I ask Mason… Mason says, “No, too many people.” Everyone in my prescense is a witness. (Yet, in the end, no one seemed to be able to open their mouth and stand up on my behalf… odd.) Mitch gets mad… tries to get people to come to his house… we all stay at Mason’s ‘cause we’re already there and having a good time… etc.

Couple of nights later… Mitch messages me with, “I just heard from somebody that it would’ve been alright if we had come to Mason’s the other night. Why did you say otherwise?” Seriously? I respond telling him that what what said to him is what was said to me. I asked what benefit I would gain from lying to him, to which I have yet to recieve a response. However, things get blown up and he still doesn’t believe me. The whole situation is incredibily stupid, and the fact that I’m no longer invited to events at his house, based off an event that has been seriously skewed, is a bit ridiculous. However, it has given me great insight into who I can trust out of that group, and who I cannot. Except, of course, that there isn’t a single person in that group whom I can trust. Which, in turn, seriously cripples my number of “friends.”

On the other hand, it does reinforce me belief that I shouldn’t be hanging out with people my age anyway, or people at all for that matter, because there will always end up being some hugh uprising of drama whether it be planned or not. That’s just not something I’m interested in being around anymore, and since school is beginning anyway, it’s better that I just drop off the radar until next summer. Besides, maybe by then I’ll have come across more people who share my views and values of how people should and shouldn’t act towards others.

Hm… and then there’s that speeding ticket… which still hasn’t been paid… which needed to be paid by August 7th… which means they’ll be mailing that little court date paper soon… which means….

Fuck, need to wake up earlier and watch the mail and grab that before parents see it. Hmm….

Happy August, everyone!

Lately I’ve been much less absorbed in my thoughts than usual. This is good, mostly because it allows me to focus better on whatever I’m doing or supposed to be doing. I find having conversations with people is a lot easier when I’m not having some sort of debate in my head when I should be listening to what the person in front of me is saying. Go figure, right?

I’ve also been significantly happier these past few weeks, with the exception of this past weekend. Another great improvement compared to a month or two ago. I’ve gotten a handle on managing my time better, and giving my friends equal segments of my time. I’m not always hanging out with the same people, and it’s nice to be able to do a variety of things and go to many places, instead of doing the same thing every weekend. Seeing Alaina and Erin a lot more than before, which has been nice. They’re both very thoughtful people, and have strong opinions of things, along with the ability to explain why they think the way they do, and not take offense when someone points it out. They’re also very easy to talk with, and when they say they’ll do something, they actually do. Commitment to your word is a very good quality to possess.

Subtle words, hints, and gestures made by a few people have recently shown many of us where we lie in regards to their friendship. Some people take offense to things like this, some don’t. Either way, life moves on, you might as well save your time and put it towards something productive… like starting a new friendship, or reviving an old one. [=

Sometimes I think that what I’m doing is right, and that it’ll all work out in the end. Then I end up having a conversation with someone and it instead of bringing me right back to sitting here wondering what am I doing, it only re-inforces my belief of success.

After having some very insightful conversations with someone who I consider very level-headed, I’ve started to see why branching out and experiencing new groups of people is in my best interest. I’m tired of seeing the same exact fifteen people every. single. weekend. I’m not saying they are terrible people, I’m saying that I need some variety. Not to mention that because of this endless pattern, other friends of mine are ending up neglected or pushed aside, which isn’t very condusive to healthy friendships.

I’ve always been the type of person to gravitate towards a particular group of friends for an extended period of time. I’ve always had many different types of friends, but I would always end up hanging out with the same handfull week after week. I’m ready for that to change and I’m ready to start seeing a lot more people, a lot more often.

This past month has been pretty rough for me both socially and mentally. I have been having a lot of problems in regards to even wanting to see anybody, mostly due to knowing what will inevitably happen. There has always been a pattern, and there have always been incidents. Somehow, I’ve always managed to be around when they have occured, even as they’ve almost never specifically involved me. Knowing that these events are bound to happen, along with other individual issues makes me not want to be as much of a socialite as I once was. I’m working on that right now, and hopefully it’s something I can soon pull myself out of. Until that time, I may be in and out of the picture for periods of time.

Recently, it feels like my older, closer friends have been letting me down more and more often while some of my newer and more distant peers have been stepping up and supporting me very well. This is really odd to me, but I very much appreciate my new-found support system. I’m sad to realize that the friendships I have established between some people and myself are deteriorating, but I do know that if they were meant to be in my life, then I wouldn’t be the only one trying to salvage them. I’ve always been one to not put my full trust in anybody, because I’ve watched so many people do that and end up hurt. It’s like… my “fail-safe”. If I stay a little distanced, then I won’t end up battered and bruised like so many others. So far… it’s worked.  I’m going to miss my “best friends” and all of the really close ones as well, but moving on and growing is normal, and if that’s what they want, then I’ll follow the trend as well.

And, no, I’m actually not sad or depressed as I’m writing this. I feel a lot better than I have in months, so it was well worth the typing [=

kevinmitchell:

1. Play Ghostbusters
2. See Terminator Salvation
3. Play the new Fallout 3 expansion
4. Drink an Arizona tea
5. Get a Netflix

Why Friday Kevin? Because I spent all of last weeks paycheck on bills and gasoline.

If you didn’t have a freakin’ Jeep, you wouldn’t be buying so much Gas. But, I must admit, you do look pretty badass rollin’ around in the Jeep with your MIB shades on… I passed you the other day and was like “Dayum, is that KMitch!? Word.”